


Ashes to Ashes

by Stoic_Persephone



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2014-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-23 20:57:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2555399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stoic_Persephone/pseuds/Stoic_Persephone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm a terrible person for titling this how I did, and I'm not sorry.</p></blockquote>





	Ashes to Ashes

Have you ever taken someone--or something, for that matter--for granted, even though, deep down, the person, thing, or concept in question is of the utmost importance to your well-being in some indescribable way?  
She was there for me. For those several years(sweeps?), living on that strange, otherwise desolate rock with all but two of those others who had yet to either shuffle or be shuffled off this mortal coil in one fashion or another, she was there.

I was drunk, so absolutely intoxicated most of the time, from a venomous concoction of my own design. Yes, venomous, I say--for that was how it tasted, and yet still I made the at least semi-conscious decision, time and again, to coat my lips with the stuff, and why not? In my godlike form, I could not die from mere liver failure(I don't know if that could even happen, but it didn't), as it would not be just no matter how villainous I felt about it, nor would it come anywhere close to heroism.  
Days and nights did not exist in that constantly shifting expanse, and it was all too easy to lose track of how many days, weeks, months went by. Dave tried to occasionally remind me at first, but soon became wrapped up in his own predicaments, and Kanaya, dear, lovely Kanaya, took it upon herself to try to teach me the Alternian calendar so we could keep track together, but, despite my eagerness to learn, my alcohol-addled brain was too full of toxins to retain much, and I never remembered many major details of our conversations. For quite a while, I put on an act, pretended I knew exactly what the lovely jade-blooded girl was talking about, but I knew the truth, and I think she knew as well, which made me begin the vicious cycle of alcoholism: I drank out of shame, and I was ashamed of the drinking.  
The same was true for when Kanaya was attempting to teach me about proper troll romance etiquette. Perhaps I knew what was going on when I was drunk somehow, but I don't remember most of it, mostly insignificant snippets. To be quite honest, Dave probably knows more about troll romance from hanging around Karkat and his volumes of trashy Alternian romance, and he doesn't claim much understanding of the subject either.  
And yet, she was always there. Even when it became obvious I had lost sight of my righteous mission of becoming an auspistice, she was still so patient with me. She carried me to bed when I blacked out, and when I woke up, there was often a glass of water on the bedside table and a kind note telling me where she would likely be throughout the day(could they really be considered days anymore?) should I decide to seek her out.  
Why she stayed by my side, I'll never know. On the off chance I happened to be sober, however, I would whisper to her eloquent sweet nothings regarding the two of us marching valiantly into battle side-by-side when the time came to vanquish our antagonists and finally finish this twisted game, whatever that achievement might imply, and her fang-like teeth would poke out from between her luscious black lips and she would say she would enjoy nothing more in all of Paradox Space, and would kiss me gently, so gently, as if I were likely to break if she were too forceful.  
And yet, once we did finally meet up with John and Jade, we got separated. Perhaps, if I had sought her out immediately instead of going off on my own, these awful circumstances may have been improved. Had I been the one targeted by Her Imperial Condescension's fiery gaze, I might have survived so long as it wasn't heroic, but even if it was, Kanaya would still be alive. Instead, I was forced to watch her well-dressed form turn to ash, and when I tried to avenge her, wands blazing, I only managed to make myself the next target of HIC's golden weapon.

I'm not sure which feels worse, the hole in my body, or the fact that Kanaya will probably remain dead, and I can't even die properly to be by her side as dutifully as she was by mine.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a terrible person for titling this how I did, and I'm not sorry.


End file.
